Having run out lies to be printed in Beaumont, the Worst Corporation has announced that it will now be publishing the Beaumont Printedlies at the Houston Comical press facility. Feeble excuses of cost savings and Hurricane Ike storm damage to its own printing press were cited as reasons for the move. No mention was made of dwindling circulation, slumping advertisement revenues and shoddy journalism.
The beleaguered newspaper will also introduce more cost-savings measures by combining the editorial and funnies sections. Although this policy has already been unofficially implemented, the new practice is designed to help the current Jefferson County Commissioners Court increase the budget to over $200 million and raise their own salaries to $150,000 per year.
Opinions Editor "Uncle Tom" Tailwagger promised to keep a douche bag slant on the paper's editorial and news content by railing against wasteful spending and pay raises and then endorsing and protecting the very candidates that institute them. Comedic guest letters from the likes of Jefferson County Judge Ron Walker will give readers a good, gut-busting laugh when, in unashamed self-admiration, claims that public opinion has taken a turn for the positive on Fraud Park since he has bestowed us with his grand, yet invisible leadership. He'll even bemoan that the failed government pork project should be a source of pride, not of "derision".
Although the paper has laid off a number of employees and has resorted to hiring less than qualified reporters, the Printedlies was happy to announce that long time janitor Marquis "Dr. Kleen" Semien who is retiring after 32 years, has been named Custodian Emeritus.
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