Beaumont Retrogress

Beaumont Boyz Bash II

2009-11-06T09:36:00.000-08:00

The recent Beaumont Boys Bash proved so successful that Jefferson County Democrats will hold their own benefit for County Judge candidate Jeff Branick this weekend. The event, which will be held at the Crock-A-Shit Entertainmick District even netted two major sponsorships, Colt 45 and Wrigley's Blue Gum™.

A strict weapons ban and J.C. courthouse-type security should prevent any homicides or assaults, but authorities are prepared for a high number of vehicle burglaries and looting in downtown Beaumont.

The event will also be held in response to the recent party switch of the Hardin County Judge and Sheriff to the Republican Party, as well as five other county officials. A special protest over the grand jury no-bill over the Kevin LaDay death will also be held and free orange drink will be served.

Annual Jefferson County Halloween Ball held in secret

2009-10-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

Jefferson County officials and employees held their annual Halloween ball at an undisclosed location this past weekend. Taxpayers and the general public were excluded from this year's activities and invitations were exclusive to Jeff Branick for County Judge supporters.

This year's winning Best Overall Costume went to the Wizard of Oz themed County Auditor, Judge, Tax Assessor/Collector and Sheriff. Auditor Patrick Swain showed his lionly courage by cooking the county books and helping heartless Judge Ron Walker engineer the annual budget from under $90 million to over $120. Tax Assessor/Collector Miriam Johnson chanted, "There's no place like home appraisals" while the Sheriff used his superior brain and intellect to purchase patrol boats and helicopters to conduct surveillance on potential political opponents.

Popular costumes among county employees who attended included mail fraud and money launderers, crooked purchasing agents and thieving emergency management personnel. Many simply drooled and scratched their fat asses throughout the evening.

2009-10-15T07:46:00.001-07:00

Mitch Woods returns as United States Marshall Sam Gerard, the role that earned him a huge slice of gubbment cheese, in this sequel to the 1993 blockbuster The Fugitive. Gerard has been assigned to escort a Jefferson County employee to a maximum security prison in Missouri. On the same flight is Chip Radford (District Judge John Stevens, Jr.) who has been arrested and charged with mail fraud and money laundering, though he insists he's innocent. The Jefferson County S.O.'s helicopter they are on is involved in some mismanagement leading to a crash, and after helping to rescue some of the passengers, Radford escapes.

C.L.E.A.T. informs Gerard that finding Recall Carl and putting him back behind bars is a top priority, and Gerard sets out on his trail, with the very much uncalled-for assistance of failed President Barack Obama. However, Gerard soon begins to wonder just how Radford became such an important man in the eyes of the Jefferson County Commissioners, while Radford is determined to find out who turned him in to the authorities. U.S. Marshals also features Ron Walker, Jeff Branick and Eddie Arnold.

BISD Athletic Complex named after Tupac Shakur

2009-08-05T20:13:00.000-07:00

Rumors that the new Beaumont I.S.D. Athletic Complex would be named after Kevin LaDay were finally dismissed after Superintendent Dr. Carrol Thomas announced that it would named after late rapper Tupac Shakur.

LaDay's name will, however, live on at the City of Port Arthur's new wastewater facility. Fellow Port Arthurian Pimp C was posthumously honored as the P.A.I.S.D. board voted to name their new complex after him. It will replace the Notorius B.I.G. athletic fields at the school's old campus.

Empty Prize readership down, VIP Magazine flounders

2009-07-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

VIP Of Southeast Texas, it's supposed to be hotter and trendier than the Beaumont Examiner's Out And About, but The Beaumont Printedlie's attempt at vogue has fallen flat with readers in the Golden Triangle. There simply isn't enough rich snobs left in Beaumont and even the bums have shown a preference over other free publications while doing drugs and urinating in public.

Readers will find some practical information in this month's issue; particularly on how to avoid getting killed while in Port Arthur. Other features include a cover story on the reigning Fraud Park fart lighting champion, Thad "The Torch" Thibodeaux and how wannbe middle income snobs can get invited to suckass media events.

And as always, it features Southeast Texas' best. This month's issue tells us where to find some good hyrdo, eating sans roaches, how to get out of Jefferson County, Chinese whorehouses and Jim Walker's Facebook fray. It's all shit, but it's free.

Oddsmakers weigh in on LaDay's cause of death

2009-05-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

Bookies and bettors are keeping busy anxiously awaiting for the autopsy report while laying money down on Kevin LaDay's Wheel Of Toxicology. There was standing room only in front of the Lumberton Police Department when the betting line opened up two weeks ago.

The official Las Vegas odds for reason(s) of death:

Formaldehyde dipped blunt 1.5/1: The safe money says he has THC in his system. He's had four Class A and B misdemeanors for marijuana possession at the county level and numerous other violations. He finally spent a year in Club Fed for his enterprises before his run-in with the L-town posse.

Malt liquor 2/1: Malt liquor goes with the hippity hopsters like blowjobs go to Bill Clinton. So, my bruthats, grab a Colt 45, Olde English 800 or your favorite 40 of high gravity and do some pouring for the departed.

Crack cocaine 3/1: Did the Pride of Port Arthur down some apple jack before flashing his high beams in popo's maglite? Did he take a ride on the tragic magic and go out his fool mind when he refused the FST?

Congenital ignorance 3.5/1: It's obvious this little mango didn't fall too far from Mrs. Gold Teefs' tree. Darwin maintains that the smarter and more adaptable will survive and procreate. But what happens when a species has no natural predators (other than each other)? You end up with an Idiocracy like that of Port Arthur, TX. It's all well and good if the protected stay within their own habitats, but venture into civilized society and it can cause termination by stupidity.

Red Bull & yellow jackets 5/1: Pentobarbital and energy drink are on the must have list when a convict is tooling around Lumberton in a Geo Metro while his offerings from 50 Cent grace the neighborhoods of working folk at 3:00 A.M. Just keep it out of the ditch, boys.

Minute Maid Fruit Punch & Robitussin 7/1: Another hip-hop favorite mixture. The hottest selling Coca-Cola product in the 'hood mixed with cold and cough medicine for a dextromethorphan-induced robotrip. This is how Pimp C caught a cab.

Port Arthur pimpin' 8/1: You know the old saying, "ya can take the pimp outta Port Arthur, but ya can't take the Port Arthur out the pimp"! Technically, LaDay didn't die in Port Arthur, but he was certainly represented by the multitudes on that fair day of protest in Lumberton. This is the mindset of Port Arthur; this is the way the residents of that city are. Lumberton showed stern resolve in standing up to the hate group that Mrs. Gold Teefs bought to the city. There is undoubtedly a cultural war brewing between groups as vastly different as that of these two cities. Quannel X and Mrs. Gold Teefs want to bully the meek with threats of a race war. The citizens of Lumberton showed ever-so-quitely and politely that they aren't looking for one, but after the X-ster threatened to tear their city to ground, the unspoken word is, "Try it boy and you'll wish to merciful God that the Lumberton police do show up".

The five way 12/1: When a true blue (no offense to you Bloods that blog) gangsta wants to shoot the moon, he does the five way. If you're asking yourself, "what the fuck is the five way"? It's a combination of heroin, meth, cocaine, Rohypnol , and alcohol. In Port Arthur this is the difference between coach and first class.

Reggae 50/1: Death by Marley? LaDay kinda looked a lil' Rastifari with his dreadlocks and revolutionary Caribbean headgear. Is he another tormented artisan in the wake of Bob Marley, Peter Tosh and Dennis Brown who died before their time? A longshot, but it could be the dark horse.

Pink skin popo's nightstick 200/1: The biggest winner on this wager would be Sandra "Mrs. Gold Teefs" LaDay. She didn't waste any time with the local NAACP. To their credit, they haven't tarnished their own image by publicly jumping in bed with Mrs. Gold Teefs. Along with bringing the X-ster in, she also retained flebag lawyer Milton Grimes. Grimes represented Rodney King, the piece of shit who should have been beaten to death with a tire iron by his own mother. Oddsmakers don't give either scenario much of a chance of that happening and deem this a sucker's bet.

Hardin County Deals On Wheels sued

2009-05-13T14:50:00.000-07:00

Yep! Hardin County District Attorney "4 On The Floor" David Sheffield, along with Silsbee High School officials and athletes are all being sued by the loving daddy of a Silsbee High School cheerleader trophy child.

You may recall the incident that occurred last October in Silsbee. No, not the one where an unofficial, non-school sanctioned spirit group called The Scrubbs had the nerve to bare their pre-manly chests at football games. Since when does a crime occur when young boys expose their chests? Well, other than a sleep over at Michael Jackson's house.

I'm talking about the unsupervised party where a bunch of shit went one. Since no adults were there to be deposed, I wonder where all the adults of the parents in attendance were. And what excuses did they buy from the little trophy children on where they were going to be at 2:00 A.M. on a weekend? Who really cares? It's Silsbee.

But anyway, the suit claims that the girl's 1st, 5th and 14th Amendment Rights were violated. What else? Was she forced to drink out of the same cup of beer as the athletes named in the suit at other unsupervised, after-hours parties? And what else does cheer baby daddy do? He decides to start a chapter of Stand Up Guys (not the Comedy Improv troupe) in Silsbee. Lofty goals with their mission statement and goals listed. But bear in mind, this is a cheerleader and jock-driven thing. Trying to instill values in this segment of today's youth is akin to trying to sell a truckload of sand to an Arab.

I have a better idea, have the athletes and cheerleader join the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts. The olive green uniforms are drab in comparison to the cheer and football uniforms worn at the carefully orchestrated sex and violence football game orgies. They'll learn about their duty to their community and each other and there won't be any opportunity for sexual assaults at parties. And give the entire cheer squad and football team a copy of the U.S. Constitution. Ya think any of them even know what the 5th and 14th Amendments are even about? Oh, and cheer baby daddy, you need to start a chapter of Sit Down And Shut The Fuck Up. Case dismissed.

Pitch-dark pinhead pontificates panther pride, prophesizes pyro

2009-05-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

Pissed off Port Arthurians proceeded to the Piney Woods to protest police and professed prejudice for pink skins. Their leader, New Black Panther Quannel X, and an expired felon's momma, Sandra "Gold Teefs" LaDay, were angered that police in Lumberton, TX actually tried to detain Kevin LaDay after crashing his Geo hooptie in a ditch on Main Street at 3:00 A.M. on April 30.

LaDay refused a Field Sobriety Test and then was in a lengthy altercation with police until he died. Mrs. Gold Teefs has hired former Rodney King lawyer Milton Grimes to represent the family in the case.

The crowds were greeted with hundreds of signs that lined Highway 69 that read, "We support Lumberton Police" and other racist banners such as "Jobs + Morals = Low Crime" The crowd became agitated and uppity when fog horns and revving motorcycles drowned out their keynote speaker B. Hussein Osama.

Violence finally erupted when pink skin had the nerve to ask Quannel X, "then why did he run from police if he wasn't looking for a confrontation?". The Port Arthurians then lit fires, dumped their trash and looted the north end of Lumberton.

In related news, Port Arthur rapper, Knot C, is planning a benefit concert for LaDay next month. Details will be released later this week.

Lumberton Chicken Express prepares for protests

2009-05-02T21:42:00.000-07:00

The Chicken Express on Main Street in Lumberton will hire extra staff in preparation for Monday's protest of the death of Port Arthur resident Kevin LaDay. Customers can buy a Rodney King combo meal, which consists of two battered legs, a honey tased thigh, all smothered in pepper spray and served with a side of nightstick.

The mostly white city was placed in a bit of an awkward position in the national spotlight when it was disclosed that it only had one chicken joint. Along with adding the King special, they have ordered extra strawberry soda and promised "everyone get free refill". Attempts to book LaDay's fellow Port Arthur entertainer Pimp C for the event have been unsuccessful due to to a lingering health issue for the UGK rapper.

Lumberton Chamber welcomes New Black Panthers

2009-05-02T20:22:00.000-07:00

Forget crime-ridden downtown Beaumont with its Civic Center. Who cares about the floundering Fraud Park in Jefferson County? And just what conventioneer in their right mind would want to go to Port Arthur?

The Lumberton Chamber of Commerce and the city tourist bureau are pleased to announce that the New Black Panther Party will be holding its annual Spring Fling & Beatdown in front of the Lumberton Police Department this year.

City Manager Steve Clark said that Lumberton competed with better known Black Panther communities such as Detroit, New Orleans, Washington, D.C. and Compton, CA. Clark said that community organizers worked tirelessly to bring the Panthers and as many African-Americans as possible because of the large amounts of cash money they are receiving under President Obama's stimulus package.

Mayor Don Surratt said that he has talked with event chairman Quanell X and reminded him that city is dry. Black Panthers, felons and welfare recipients attending should bring their own alcohol.

Just Cadaverin' Around

2009-05-02T20:19:00.000-07:00

Parrot Heads past and present packed DeCoux's Pub & Mortuary for the release of Jimmy Buffett's new CD, Bolivar Daydreamin. Buffett and his band, the Coral Caskets, picked the popular Crystal Beach hangout for the album premiere and to launch their Look & Leave Tour.

Fans started lining up before dawn on Highway 124 to be the first to buy tickets for the show that eventually sold out. Many were delighted that lines to ride the ferry were noticeably shorter and commented that DPS provided superb concert security.

Buffett's first single from the CD, Just Cadaverin' Around, has already climbed to number two on the Billboard Hot 100 and the crowd clapped and sang along to the lyrics, "Me and my girl, she's cute as a peach. We had us a place on Crystal Beach. When Ike came callin' we stayed in town, and now we're just cadaverin' around. Cadaver seas, cadaver skies, cadaver girls, cadaver guys. Cadaver love when the sun goes down, me and baby, cadaverin' around."

Party till she's pretty: Girls gone wild in Beaumont

2009-05-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

Crock-A-Shit Street organizers hosted Family Night this past Thanksgiving Eve to welcome home college girls who are going to school out of town. The evening started with the arrival of the famed Girls Gone Wild, complete with an entourage of barely-legal hotties and a filming crew to capture local lezzies lip locked.

While flaccid-membered lawyers on Harleys departed, the staff pulled a bait-and-switch on patrons as the Girls Gone Wild A Team departed for Houston for a high-profile event and brought out the B Team. Included in the B Team from left to right in the bottom picture are a parolee with hepatitis, an obese African-American who once slept with Lil Wayne's uncle, a former prostitute who won third place in an ax fighting contest and crack addict who looks a lot like Amy Winehouse.

Beaumont lies to be printed in Houston

2009-05-02T20:15:00.000-07:00

Having run out lies to be printed in Beaumont, the Worst Corporation has announced that it will now be publishing the Beaumont Printedlies at the Houston Comical press facility. Feeble excuses of cost savings and Hurricane Ike storm damage to its own printing press were cited as reasons for the move. No mention was made of dwindling circulation, slumping advertisement revenues and shoddy journalism.

The beleaguered newspaper will also introduce more cost-savings measures by combining the editorial and funnies sections. Although this policy has already been unofficially implemented, the new practice is designed to help the current Jefferson County Commissioners Court increase the budget to over $200 million and raise their own salaries to $150,000 per year.

Opinions Editor "Uncle Tom" Tailwagger promised to keep a douche bag slant on the paper's editorial and news content by railing against wasteful spending and pay raises and then endorsing and protecting the very candidates that institute them. Comedic guest letters from the likes of Jefferson County Judge Ron Walker will give readers a good, gut-busting laugh when, in unashamed self-admiration, claims that public opinion has taken a turn for the positive on Fraud Park since he has bestowed us with his grand, yet invisible leadership. He'll even bemoan that the failed government pork project should be a source of pride, not of "derision".

Although the paper has laid off a number of employees and has resorted to hiring less than qualified reporters, the Printedlies was happy to announce that long time janitor Marquis "Dr. Kleen" Semien who is retiring after 32 years, has been named Custodian Emeritus.

Judge Walker......phone home

2009-05-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

A lot of southeast Texans, including many Jefferson County residents, have been asking themselves in the wake of Hurricane Ike, "Where in the fuck is Ron Walker?".

Walker, the current Jefferson County Judge, departed from Fraud Park with Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff and took an aerial tour of the county in a basket on a late 1970's model Schwinn bicycle.

Assistant to Judge Walker, attorney Jeff Branick wanted to dispel rumors that Walker had perished in the big store on Crystal Beach as the coastal surge inundated Bolivar Peninsula with 15 a foot tide. Branick said, "Despite not being seen at all and providing no visible leadership, Judge Walker is alive and well and is looking at ways to expand the county budget in response to this disaster".

Local suckass media outlets, particularly KFDM and the Beaumont Enterprise have yet to turn on their beloved master. Their belated and predictable editorial content is now calling for more gubbment cheese and handouts and there is concern that the current commissioners court won't be able to deliver the gravy when the FEMA train stops in Beaumont.

Jefferson County celebrates media day at courthouse

2008-12-22T20:02:00.000-08:00

County Führer Adolph Walker declared the recent addition of a wall around the Jefferson County Courthouse a success and celebrated the new Volksgemeinschaft with local media outlets KFDM, KLVI and the Beaumont PrintedLies.

The Waffen SS, under command of Hauptsturmführer Brent Weaver announced that undesirables including gypsies, Jews, Slavs and Beaumont Examiner employees would be detained and sent temporarily to processing facilities for reeducation near McFaddin Beach. A last minute pardon from Der Führer for homosexuals meant that many KBTV employees could return to work.

The only glitch that the SS reported under the new security guidelines occurred when a homeowner who was filing an appraisal dispute was accidentally incinerated in the new walk-in oven recently installed at Esther’s Elegant Eatery.