Beaumont Retrogress

Caldwood Elementary janitor arrested for drug possession

2012-01-23T19:35:00.005-06:00

The Jefferson County Sheriff's office issued over 100 warrants and made dozens of arrests last week in a narcotic sting. Caught in the bust was lovable crack addict Tyrone Biggums. Biggums, who had about two ounces of marijuana and a peanut butter and crack sandwich was arrested without incident at the school and booked into the Jefferson County Jail.

B.I.S.D. spokeschimp Jessie "Peaches"Haynes declined to fling poo or comment, but her human assistant, Taylor Eichorn said, "The school district is looking into the matter of the peanut butter and crack sandwich and we believe none of the children were offered these drugs by Mr. Biggums".

Beaumont Chamber, City Council welcomes Costa Concordia

2012-01-19T22:15:00.004-06:00

Beaumont City Councilman Bubba Pate announced that southeast Texas will now be a port of call for Carnival Corporation's Costa Concordia. This new cruise ship stop will coincide with Beaumont's mudhole project and yet to be completed events center and the proposed ditch downtown. The city is currently negotiating with several different mosquito farms to stock the new attractions with as many exotic insects that the venues can sustain.

The Beaumont Chamber of Commerce held a parade to officially welcome Carnival. A few mishaps occurred during opening ceremonies when a toddler was killed and the cruise ship ran aground and capsized near the I-10 and Neches River bridge.

'Twas the night before Christmas 2011.....Calvin Walker Style!

2011-12-21T21:13:00.011-06:00

'Twas the night before Christmas in Two Thousand Ten

The Feds made a case, the indictment was in

The charges were outlined & detailed with care

Thirty seven in all, prosecutors found there

The Walkers were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of annuities danced in their heads

A place in Port Arthur to hang out with friends

Fine dining and bling & a Mercedes Benz

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

Agent Brewer was there & looked into the matter

He peered through the window, then kicked in the door

And Calvin was cuffed, his head on the floor

The moon on the crest of the creosote pole

The city inspector would not be cajoled

"This work is sub-standard & not up to code"

The city employee so dutifully crowed

The school board met to discuss Calvin's fate

And Walker's Electric fueled the debate

"Let's keep him", said Woodrow, "Calvin's legit"

"He ain't been found guilty, they'll surely acquit"

The lackeys all cheered & began to applaud

Except for Tom Neild, who questioned the fraud

Then Butch stared him down, "Silence! You cracker"

"This district is black, & getting still blacker"

Now Ambres, Now Bush, Now Williams, Now Reece,

And snow white soul sistuh, Brassard The Obese

Explain to peckerwood how business is done

Cut Calvin the checks, let's get back to the fun!

Butch summoned a shyster, his name was Saint Dick

Dripping with snake oil, he knew every trick

The Pastor Reverend Doctor Deguerin!

His flock livened up and stopped their despairin'

A Bundle of cash he'd charge his new client

The defense lawyered up and got quite defiant

"Relax now kids, don't worry yourselves"

"We'll stack the jury with trailerhood elves"

"We'll find us a couple of dazed honky misters

And nine tons of dumb fun, horny white sisters

And just so they know that our side ain't jokin'

She's deep undercover, our wild card token

Rawl's prosecution appeared to be blurry

Like a foggy wintertime Christmas snow flurry

The Reverend Doctor offered objection

Mostly based on Calvin's complexion

Deguerin & Rawls went back to their bases

And both sides finished and rested their cases

Clark gave the instructions on deliberation

told jurors not to fret the potential duration

They went to their room to begin their discussin'

Outside overheard was screamin' and fussin'

The jury could never completely agree

Throw him in prison or just set him free

They passed a few messages on to Ron Clark

The judge, irritated, ignored the remark

"You keep on debating!", the note from the judge

But an obstinate few refused to be budged

So out came the jury, their paper in hand

"Have you reached a decision?" the judge did command

St. Dick looked at Walker and said with a smile

"Merry Christmas Dear Calvin, Fuckin' Mistrial!"

Occupy Crocket Street enters second day

2011-11-19T12:11:00.004-06:00

Filth, squalor and human feces filled Crockett Street as a collection of progressive Democrats, B.I.S.D. and Jefferson County officials, members of the local media, Hurricane Katrina evacuees and other evolutionary failures protested people who work and don't have bastard children.

A law enforcement spokesman indicated there wasn't much more crime than usual in downtown as a number of fights, sexual assaults, shootings and auto burglaries occurred throughout the evening hours. But new to the scene was a pitch of anti-Semitism not yet seen before in Beaumont.

BISD Spokeschimp "wins" $100,000 on Name That Tune

2011-11-13T23:04:00.003-06:00

Jessie "Peaches" Haynes, walked and then swung from vine to vine away with the $100,000 grand prize from Name That Tune last weekend. Haynes did well in the Bid-a-Note early round breezing through the Motown and Funk categories.

She then stumbled in the final prize category covering standards and historical tunes. She claimed the Westbrook Marching Band was playing Dixie when in fact the correct answer was Deep In The Heat Of Texas. She then flung poo and bit host Tom Kennedy. She accused game producers of being racist and retained Houston attorney Dick DeGuerin to file an EEO complaint. The show quickly settled and awarded Peaches the $100,000 to avoid expensive, drawn out litigation.

Ron Walker new Pfizer spokesman

2011-10-14T01:20:00.009-05:00

Pfizer announced that former Jefferson County Judge Ron Walker will be the spokesman for their new drug, Lie-agra. Company CEO Ian Reed said Walker was the perfect pitchman for the new drug based on his track record while serving as county judge.

Lie-agra is effective in treating not only erectile dysfuntion, but also Alzheimer's and has a marital infidelity suppressant.

Side effects include: bloated county government, fiscal irresponsibility, industrial expansion cancellation, small business abandonment, deep economic recession, high unemployment, legacy tarnishment, family stature diminishment, nepotism, cronyism and divorce.

Do not take Lie-agra for: voter disenfranchisement, taxpayer resentment, Democrat Party defections or white flight.

Beaumont Retro issues press relese

2011-10-04T22:32:00.006-05:00

To Mr. Jerry Nelson:

In good faith we attend your concerts and events regularly at your venue, Nutty Jerry's.

We know you did your best to work with the previous administration, County Judge Ron Walker. Well, it looks like Walker was doing to his neighbor what he and the current judge and commissioners were doing to the taxpayers all along. Now Walker is in the middle of his own family mess.

We know that you tried diligently to work with the current County Judge, Jeff Branick. But Branick stalled and harangued you with as much legal proceedings as he could to shake you down. He did this, of course, because he is another Democrat lawyer who has ran off business in Jefferson County and made it the laughing stock of Texas.

We know that you were honest and forthright when Lamar University President Jimmy Simmons approached you to help them draw people to their event centers. But Simmons is an academia weasel who has hired the likes of Beth Gallaspy and other former media hacks who have aided people like Walker and Branick in keeping Jefferson County on the frontier of ignorance.

Your honesty has only created an uproar among the thugs and snakes in the county government, university and the media weasels who have helped them maintain firm control of Jefferson County since Reconstruction.

You can bet your ass we will be out even more at Nutty Jerry's to attend the great concerts and events that you host. Your staff is awesome. Maybe you could fill in a few of the puddles in your parking lot, but I guess that comes with the wear and tear of having so much traffic at your facility. We feel safe there. We don't in Beaumont. Our cars have gotten broken into and we get panhandled.

Thank you for all that you have done, and for all that you have tried to do for us, the working taxpayer.

Sincerely,
The Beaumont Retrogress

Fat pig creates scene at Dummycrap rally

2011-10-02T18:36:00.005-05:00

After gorging himself on a five pail feast of premium pig slop, Port Arthur attorney Carl Porker began oinking uncontrollably and flinging poo at Jefferson County Tax Assessor/Collector Shane Howard.

The rally was sponsored by some brown Democrats and "Happy Times" Porker was agitated that Howard, who is a Republican, was in attendance because his presence checked his anti-social, childish, fucktard behavior. Porker stopped oinking long enough to accuse Howard of eating one of the brown babies there. A quick inventory of all the brown babies in attendance showed that to be another one of Porker's lies and most of the brown people refused to join Happy Times in his poo flinging and oinking.

Porker is noted for his lawsuit against his neighbor, Carmike Cinemas, Inc. in the Nairobi district of Port Arthur. His lawsuit accuses Carmike of making a bigger pig pen than his own law offices are.

Beaumontanalprize.com needs you badly

2011-09-13T00:43:00.002-05:00

The opening salvo in the War of 2012 has been fired at Rick Perry by the faggot/feminazi press with inflammatory comments by the Beaumont Analprize implying the governor is bisexual.

The Analprize, once with a daily circulation of over 70,000, now has given up on its hard copy edition. The printing presses are silent (the Houston Comical prints the now-20,000 daily copies of the Analprize), the staff has been gutted, advertisers have fled and the Analprize building is for sale. For that matter, the once-mighty Hearst newsprint empire lay in smoking ruin, with six of its 16 publications being largely ignored by productive Texans right here in the Lone Star state.

Now the only revenue stream it has enjoyed in the last few years is drying up; website hits. Fewer and fewer people want to go to a website where the longest-serving governor in Texas history, who got over 55% of the vote, be called bisexual. The desperate Analprize editors have resorted to pure shock value for web traffic that just isn't coming anymore.

The attack on Perry in the War of 2012 will be funded and orchestrated by under-employed plaintiffs' attorneys, whose revenue streams have been dried up by Perry. Since Gov. Perry has signed into law the sweeping reforms, the lawyers have plenty of time to devise the attacks, although their pockets to fund it are not nearly as deep as they were before he took office.

Expect them to use every dirty trick in the book, including persuading the overwhelming number of uneducated and ignorant blacks and Hispanics to scream at the top of their lungs. They'll pull out every stop. They'll get the NAACP to launch anti-white, overtly racist campaign ads with the help of the likes of Quadroon X and they'll rowel up the most uninformed, Anglo-hating Hispanics to further cause problems.

The biggest rub with this group, including sub-moronic union dunderdouchers, is that flash mob and traditional thuggery tactics to intimidate decent people are no longer effective. In fact, they are largely counterproductive. And it burns their asses beyond words to know that "Tea Baggers" are most capable of defending themselves. Aggressive chimping and union fucktarding to intimidate can result in lawful repercussions of a most permanent nature.

Avoid them, ignore them, and don't even make attempts to enlighten them. And if one of them really gets up in your grill with their shit, as a public service, the Beaumont Retrogress provides as a public service, express consent to reproduce the above artwork to hand to them. CHL not included.

NBA stars “Kong” Perkins and Stephen Jackson unleash reign of terror on southeast Texas during NBA lockout

2011-09-03T13:15:00.011-05:00

BEAUMONT – On Monday, August 29, 2011, Texas Parks & Wildlife officials along with County Animal Control officers responded to a disturbance at Christus Health & Wellness Center. Sources report “Kong” Perkins and fellow primate Stephen Jackson were urinating and defecating on the workout room floor while weight training. Gym member and local business owner, Clyde Simmons, asked the thumbless duo to utilize the newspapers at the rear of the gym and inadvertently maintained eye contact for longer than three seconds. Simmons stated “Perkins reared up on its hind legs, beat its chest, and roared.” Luckily for Simmons, a trainer was able to shoot Perkins with a tranquilizer dart. Witnesses then saw Jackson climb to the top of weight rack, escape through a window, and was last seen swinging from electrical wires heading toward Beaumont’s South Park area.

Monday’s capture of “Kong” Perkins comes after an August 13th incident, at night club “The Ticket” where Perkins and Jackson, agitated by flash photography and expensive malt liquor, attempted to assault patrons and bite the club owner. Crowds were forced to line abreast, light torches, and drive the primates from premises. Law enforcement officers later arrested the two for public intoxication and being within the city limits without a leash, but had to release the simians because Jefferson County doesn't have an approved primate detention habitat.

On August 7^th, Port Arthur police were called to Jackson’s den in Port Arthur where witnesses indicated that two seven foot tall black males were seen flinging poo at passing cars. Police are still investigating the incident. Perkins remains incarcerated at Houston Zoo's African Forest. Jackson remains at large and was last seen at Magnolia Park hanging by its feet from a tree and eating from a trash can.

Kentucky Fried Chicken signs stadium sponsorhsip

2011-08-16T10:13:00.005-05:00

BISD Communication Director Jessie "Peaches" Haynes issued a press release today announcing that the controversial Dr. Carrol A. "Butch" Thomas Education Support Center has a new commercial sponsor. She said that she expects the new private sector partner to have broad appeal among the community. A grand re-opening ceremony will take place on Saturday, August 27th and there will be an alumni game to follow deemed the Yardbird Bowl. The first 500 fans to buy tickets will get a free strawberry soda with refill.

Amphitheater talks stall, Nutty Eddie's opens

2011-07-20T00:56:00.005-05:00

Jefferson County Precinct 1 Commissioner Eddie Arnold announced the opening of yet another county-owned entertainment venue at a press conference last Monday. The announcement was apparently made to upstage another press conference being held at Nutty Jerry's by owner Jerry Nelson.

Talks between Nelson and Jefferson County officials appear to be at a stalemate regarding the successful businessman's generous offer to manage Fraud Park's amphitheater Fraud Pavilion and book up to 20 high profile concert acts per year.

County Judge Jeff Branick expressed concern that a number of dunderhead county employees could face layoffs or even worse, the possibility of taking their chances in the private sector if Nelson were to manage the venue.

The new venue, Nutty Eddie's opened last weekend on Highway 90 near China. Several acts are already booked over the next month, including Taco tribute artist Burrito, Brent Coon's new band Self Destruction and non-voc trance indie artist Fungo Bunghole.

Are they who they say they are? Part II

2011-07-09T11:18:00.000-05:00

Are they who they say they are?

2011-07-07T22:59:00.003-05:00

BISD Communication Department to release movie

2011-06-22T20:52:00.004-05:00

Black leaders gather to support Calvin Walker

2011-06-09T01:27:00.002-05:00

Black leaders in Beaumont gathered at the 37 count indictment hearing in support of B.I.S.D. electrician Calvin Walker of Walker's Electric. Some celebrities, including Dick "Rastus" Gregory and President Barack Obama's former pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright were on hand to offer prayer and fling poo at whitey.

Reverend Wright opened the prayer with, “Hillary is married to Bill, and Bill has been good to us. No he ain’t! Bill did us, just like he did Monica Lewinsky. He was riding dirty.” And then went on to say, "Goddamn America!". Reverend Oveal Walker, of the Beaumont Cathedral of Chimpanzee Faith chimed in, " Goddamn Beaumont, Texas!" and Beaumont National Association for the Advancement of Chimpanzee People president Reverend Ronald Bishop exclaimed in prayer, "Goddamn all you white bastards!" in support of Walker.

Also on hand was former Beaumont mayor/coonvict David Moore, who spent time in Club Fed for his boon antics. After the prayer, a four-alarm chimpout erupted and Walker devotees flung poo at the local media. Supporters of the prosecution were not available as they were busy at their jobs working.

Gorilla General Holder targets Beaumont Retro

2011-06-07T20:57:00.003-05:00

The Beaumont Retro has learned of an investigation of our cutting-edge blog by the U.S. Department of Justice and has expressed concern for our members' safety and welfare because of the federal government's enthrallment with fart jokes and toilet humor.

Most notably, the thuggish behavior of Attorney General Thade Holder when referring to satiric commentary and blogs have been the most disturbing. Other situations have been troublesome, including the dismissal of an investigation of ape-on-human voter intimidation, the naming of the sovereign state of Arizona and Governor Jan Brewer as defendants as that state struggles to deal with illegal immigration and claims its Higher Ape Law as the "preeminent authority", and a lot of other really stupid shit.

BISD school board retains Walker's Electric despite 37 count indictment

2011-05-25T19:53:00.010-05:00

Although it's been speculated that The Man has embattled B.I.S.D. electrical contractor Calvin Walker between a rock and hard place, don't think for a minute he will fink on his brethren BISD bruthas. Walker didn't just hire some no-name local attorney in the back pocket of every district judge, you know, the kind that doesn't pay his bills.

No, no, no! He hired a real hitter, Houston attorney Dick DeGuerin. The same Dick DeGuerin who has represented former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, Kay Bailout Hutchinson and Robert Durst. And Walker has a stash, a real stash of cash and bling. And with the recent almost-sweep of B.E.S.T. school board candidates, it's going to take a lot to Turn This Mutha Out. The returning board members have the unwavering support of their "constituents" and a U Can't Touch This attitude. Hell, why should they? They own Beaumont.

In the end, a safe bet says Calvin Will Walk. No need to talk, just Pray. He's tightly entrenched with the local black "churches" that serve as one of his friendliest potential jury pools and extortion support networks in the area. Calvin Walker, Too Enriched To Quit!

Beaumont Retro discovers more Paul Brown, Paul Jones tapes

2011-05-23T22:42:00.010-05:00

After following a lead from the Beaumont Examiner, the Retro trailed B.E.S.T. chairman Paul Jones and former local N.A.A.C.P. president Paul Brown after a pre-election campaign rally. The rally erupted into a large-scale chimpout after B.I.S.D. Superintendant Dr. Carrol Thomas made comments.

Jones and Brown made the controversial comments while coming up with a plan to divert media attention from the election and a pending multi-count indictment against electrical contractor Calvin Walker of Walker's Electric Company. This never-before-seen video is unedited and contains graphic language.

BP party boy lawyer Brent Coon no shows KSET AM1300

2011-05-10T21:05:00.007-05:00

Anxious ears awaited the radio appearance of Beaumont attorney Brent Coon on Jack Pieper's weekday call-in show on KSET AM1300. Some were going to ask Coon about the controversy surrounding the death of an ex-girlfriend at his residence. Some were wanting to know about an undisclosed settlement that Coon is paying to other local law firms for buggery. And some were wanting to know about Coon's unpaid property taxes to Jefferson County. Like these:

Property Name Address Current Due

Brentwood Country Club 4201 Dowlen $ 10,883.00
Brentwood Country Club 4201 Dowlen $ 53,112.76
Brentwood Development 6885 Phelan $ 3,287.00
Brentwood Development 6880 Phelan $ 3,275.00
Brentwood Development 6875 Phelan $ 3,549.00
Brentwood Development 6840 Phelan $ 5,417.00
Brentwood Development UKA $ 157.00
Brentwood Development 5150 Belmont $ 1,976.99
Brentwood Development 5150 Belmont $ 3,352.91
Brentwood Development UKA $ 159.00
Brentwood Development 200 Pearl $ 398.70
Brentwood Development 6410 Wellington $ 5,241.91
Brentwood Development Tuskany Park $ 124,950.00
Brentwood Development Tuskany Park $ 183,985.00
Brentwood Development Tuskany Park $ 109,017.00
Brentwood Development Tuskany Park $ 90,082.00
Brentwood Development Tuskany Park $ 957.45
Brentwood Development Orleans Street $ 130,341.00
Brentwood Development Dowlen Road $ 6,020.00
Brentwood Development Major Drive $ 47.50
Brentwood Development UKA $ 80.00
Brentwood Development Major Drive $ 11,281.00
Brentwood Development Major Drive $ 4.09
Brent Coon Tangledahl $ 7,435.00
Brent Coon and Associates 215 Kyle $ 6,721.75
Brent Coon et.al Phelan $ 8,671.00

Total Tax Due $ 770,403.06

In the end, Coon punked and pulled a no-show. Nothing new for the BP party boy. You can see the party boy in action with his band, Image 6.

Councilman Pate's shocking past revealed

2011-05-09T18:27:00.004-05:00

A political shockwave bigger than Beaumont's recent tsunami rumbled through southeast Texas on election eve as the the Retro uncovered Beaumont City Councilman's past relationship with Reverend Jim Jones and the Peoples Temple.

It was originally thought that hundreds committed suicide by drinking cyanide-laced Kool-Aid at the order of Jones, but it was discovered that Pate was at Jonestown on that particular date and was offering a lecture on an unspecified subject. The Jonestown residents/worshipers became so bored by Pate's blathering and stammering that they eventually took their own lives so they wouldn't have to hear him speak anymore.

BISD hires assistant communication director

2011-04-18T11:29:00.002-05:00

Jessie Haynes, BISD Communication Director, introduced her new human assistant, Taylor to the public last week. Haynes complained to local media of anti-ape bias and news coverage before completely chimping out. Although it was speculated that she hired Taylor because he is mute, when she yanked the leather collar around his neck he was heard uttering, "Take your paws off me you damn dirty ape!".

BISD memorial honors Dr. Cornelius

2011-04-06T12:48:00.003-05:00

Above, BISD Communications Director Jessie Haynes stands in the shadow of a portrait of board member Dr. Cornelius. He was Herd 4's Silverback for more than 21 years.

Councilman Pate causes second disaster in Beaumont

2011-04-03T23:01:00.005-05:00

Tragedy once again struck Beaumont as City Councilman W.L. Pate stuttered repeatedly while delivering a monotonous speech on Japanese cuisine. His address eventually became so exhausting that Reactors One and Two at the Tokyo Japanese Steak House & Sushi Bar on I-10 overheated and partially melted down.

The speech began in typical fashion when W.L. ordered a Spicy Salmon Roll and harangued the waiter while Reactor One was cooking a Hibachi Chateaubriand and Reactor Two a Shogun Steak. Angry Japanese citizens and diners became infuriated when Pate refused to stop talking and began to protest.

This latest disaster comes on the heels of a devastating 9.0 earthquake and tsunami that Pate caused at the new Town Lake Centre site in downtown. Part of the cleanup has already begun and sanitation workers have turned the new ditch in downtown into a mass grave. City Councilman Audwin Samuel wanted to stress the positive effects of the tsunami and use it as a city branding tool with the new slogan, "Beaumont - No need to go the beach, it comes to you!".

Downtown Beaumont devastated by earthquake, tsunami

2011-03-31T08:38:00.015-05:00

Beaumont City Councilman W.L. Pate's bumbling, stammering oratory and a pink, gay dickie he likes to wear is being blamed for triggering a 9.0 magnitude earthquake and tsunami in downtown Beaumont. The epicenter was located at the Town Lake Centre construction site. City officials and meteorologists are baffled about the tsunami because the lake didn't contain any water at the time of the disaster.

Beaumont police investigators and wastewater department workers have detected broken sewer mains around the city, with a number of them near the Town Lake Centre area where Pate was delivering a speech on wiffle ball strategies and some are speculating that W.L.'s long line of shit is indeed responsible for the tragedy.

Red Cross officials are putting initial estimates at 18,000 dead and missing, but the number is being disputed by local Democrats because there were many undocumented workers and prison inmates not included in the count.

Rescue workers and first responders were happy to report that they located a group of dehydrated runners who had apparently been lost since the 2010 Gusher Marathon when they took a wrong turn off the course and got lost. Emergency personnel are warning citizens, however to avoid Councilman Pate as aftershocks are likely to occur when he speaks.

KFDM says "me too!", but excludes imporant facts

2011-03-26T18:01:00.002-05:00

Calls for dependable reporting doesn’t necessarily mean that people seeking legitimate news should watch KFDM. The beleaguered news department’s reporting took another nose dive this past week as David Lowell sent Bill Leger to camp outside of Dr. Carrol Thomas’s office without an appointment to see the BISD superintendant.

What little reporting they do involves reading press statements that have been released and aiding the local government’s efforts to increase their budgets and staff with biased reporting. They have left the real reporting to alternative media sources and have finally decided to jump on the anti-BISD bandwagon for sweeps.

KFDM purposely omitted that two of their own reporters have been moonlighting at BISD to spin things in the school district’s favor. Most stories from the once-great news organization detail the car wrecks and fires in Vidor, link sales and local trash clean-ups. News at 10:00. Fluff at 10:01.

Press club meeting goes chimp after Bradley's comments

2011-03-21T21:58:00.007-05:00

State Board of Education member David Bradley's comment that, "BISD is rapidly becoming the poster child to what's wrong with public education" was not well received by BISD she-boon spokeschimp Jessie Haynes and two assistant simiantendants.

What started as a civilized debate at the monthly press club meeting erupted into a full-blown chimpout as BISD officials began flinging poo at Bradley. The Beaumont Retrogress was also criticized for one-sided reporting. The BISD buttnuggets began the opposition with monkey shines and it quickly escalated into knuckle dragging, violence and eventual poo flinging.

No charges were filed against the boons, but Bradley was tested for AIDS, hepatitis and was also given a precautionary tetanus shot. Future press club meetings that involve BISD officials will be held at the Houston Zoo on Hermann Park Drive in the Africa Forest exhibit.

Chuck E. Cheese's MLK riots prompt changes

2011-02-04T10:55:00.004-06:00

CEC Entertainment, Inc., the parent corporation of Chuck E. Cheese's, announced it would be making changes after the MLK Day riots in several inner city stores throughout the U.S. One of the worst disturbances occurred at its Beaumont, TX store.

According to witnesses, the store was occupied by mostly African-American customers when several white patrons arrived to celebrate Martin Luther King Day with them. The black customers became agitated and felt that the whites should not be celebrating with African-Americans and a fight broke out.

To remedy this, CEC will rebrand several of its locations as Barack E. Cheese's and has even offered generous coupons and will accept food stamps and Lone Star Cards.

Beaumont Crime Stoppers crime of the week

2011-01-10T23:21:00.008-06:00

This week Beaumont Crime Stoppers features two crimes and needs your help locating two suspects who tampered with government records and allegedly confiscated cash and drugs from one of the many unlicensed pharmaceutical dealers in the city of Beaumont. Both suspects are Caucasian males and were wearing Beaumont Police uniforms. The first suspect was last seen near a dry cleaners and the second was seen entering the KFDM studios and asking for mommy and daddy.

The second case Crime Stoppers needs information on is for grand theft. Two suspects broke into Beaumont and stole approximately $388.6 million of taxpayer money and frivolously spent it on unnecessary projects and corrupt contractors. One suspect is a black male who reportedly spends a lot of time at Uncle Remus's Chitlins & More and the other suspect is a white male who was wearing a smock and goes by the street name of "Dr. Tax & Spend". This suspect was last seen entering the Beaumont Chamber of Commerce.

If you have any information about these crimes or any person(s) involved, you are urged to call Crime Stoppers at or submit a Web Tip . You do not have to give your name. CRIME STOPPERS will pay a cash reward of up to $1000 or the equivalent in seized narcotics and you can remain anonymous and you probably won't be tasered or have your cash illegally taken from you.

'Twas the night before Chrismas 2010 - B.I.S.D. style!

2010-12-21T21:26:00.005-06:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, at B.I.S.D.
Not a judge in the courthouse, for the Greenies to see
The backhoe pulled in to South Park with care
And destroyed the facade from the roof to the stairs

The chirrens be nestled all up in they beds
Relaxer and dew rags on nappy heads
Baby momma on food stamps? Why do you axe?
She ain't got not job, so she don't pay no tax

When on Interstate-10 there arose such a clatter
"They're building The Butch", was the media chatter
"A shrine to ourselves", said a school board elf
"And to our master", Dr. Thomas, himself

The moon on the hood of the new King Ranch truck
Inside, Clifton Guillory, drunk as a fuck
And Deputy Dipshit suddenly appears
And media coverage ends some careers

Butch sent in Tamakra to clean up the bus
To run Transportation, and quiet the fuss
But the Examiner dug, and caught a big whiff
Of gubb'ment thievin' by Momma McGriff

Now Brassard! now Williams! now Whitaker and Reece!
On Nantz, on Trahan, on District Police
We hope you're proud of the city you've killed
'Cept for The Tank, that'd be Mr. Neild

As dry leaves before the bankruptcy's filed
And the unpaid debt and bills are complied
Lawrence-Lee, with her job still in tact
And the taxpayers question, "Because she is black?"

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
Busy feds digging, and discovering proof
And Michael Getz who points out the cheating
His ass thrown out of a school board meeting

The Africans love it, it's about retribution
Just like Obama, it's wealth distribution
Honky has left this Democrat city,
The taxes and crime, the life's just too shitty

"And where's city council?", "and where is the mayor?"
Shouted and angry, foreclosed taxpayer
Cocktail parties with Teuscher and Brown!
And digging a ditch in the ghetto downtown

The only thing here that's possibly worse
Are the ass-kissing dolts who kill our commerce
Thanks, Beaumont Chamber, your business extortion
Delivered unto us this late-term abortion

And for every turd that Butch entertains
We all have to hear from that simpleton Haynes
Run, Jessie, Run, your mouth diarrhea
With your book about pre-teen gonorrhea

And now it is Christmas, the stockings are filled
With statements and invoices, some overbilled
He appeared on the news, he's such a smoove talker
But the feds pulled a raid on sleek Calvin Walker

Then what do I see but a huge polar bear?
Beside the hotel that Butch will build there
It dove in the pool and made a huge splash
It's Brassard, that whale, her hide white as ash

Two-Thousand Ten, boys, it's down in the books,
Peckerwood's gone, it's all homeys and crooks
It all began with your inviting promise
By hiring Dr. Carrol "Butch" Thomas

New parking for Beaumont mothers

2010-12-19T15:30:00.004-06:00

We've all seen the multitude of handicapped parking spaces reserved for Obama supporters and local Democrats and we've even become accustomed to "stork parking" for expectant mothers and mothers of newborns.

But what about baby momma? The Beaumont Chamber of Commerce has announced just in time for the holidays local merchants will be adding "food stamp gettin', KFC chicken eatin', bastard child baby momma parking". The chamber felt with the recent demographic transition of the city it would be appropriate to add the parking spots for the only segment of Beaumont's population that is growing.

Pictured above, Latrina "Hoopeye" Lawrence-Jartavious leaves the CVS Pharmacy on 23rd Street after filling her chirrens Medicaid mascriptions.

They "Do it in Orange"

2010-12-13T23:26:00.001-06:00

Domingue of the dead

2010-10-27T22:52:00.008-05:00

Officials cancelled this year's annual Jefferson County Halloween Ball and Emergency Management Coordinator Greg Fountain issued a political zombie alert warning throughout the county. The first case of political zombiism was reported in Precinct 2 after the March county commissioners primary election. At press time this zombie has not be contained and continues to roam Mid County devouring taxpayer flesh and feeding on public funds. Tea Party zombie hunters are worried that it may become the county-funded Southeast Texas Regional Airport Manager or Assistant to Jefferson County Judge-elect Jeff Branick.

Another sighting immediately followed in Beaumont when an African-American female was seen at the fairgrounds consuming taxpayer money and demanding a seat at opening ceremonies. Fountain said that he is particularly concerned over a pack of eight aggressive zombies who have been roaming the county presenting Jefferson County Constable badges and C.L.E.A.T. identification. These political zombies even had stupid, shitty radio commercials made on their behalf to preserve their diet of taxpayer flesh.

Retro endorses Sigee for Jefferson County Gubbment Cheese Collector

2010-10-17T22:41:00.007-05:00

The Beaumont Retro is endorsing Thomas "Soulja Boy" Sigee for the Jefferson County Gubbment Cheese Collector for the upcoming election. His opponent, J. Shane Howard, has shown himself to be a lousy candidate with his far right wing involvement in the Tea Party movement and has spent most of his working years in the private sector and is not qualified to dispense or receive the Jefferson County gubbment cheese.

Soulja Boy is a black veteran, according to his campaign signs and website. While the Retro found some of his campaign signs to be somewhat confusing, particularly his association with Beaumont Colored People, we believe his experience with gubbment cheese makes him a better candidate than his opponent.

Sigee served in Operation Desert Storm and Operation Iraqi Freedom, where he earned a star each time. He also has a total of five checks (two with a special "plus" device) and was honored for perfect attendance. He is endorsed by Massachusetts Senator and former presidential candidate John Kerry. While fellow Democrat Kerry said that most "American soldiers [were] going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women", that Sigee never raped anyone or beheaded anyone in the style of Ghenghis Kahn.

Soulja Boy is also endorsed by the Beaumont Analprize, Orange Police Captain Robert Arnold, Jefferson County Sheriff Mitch Woods, County Judge Ron Walker, C.L.E.A.T., The American Civil Liberties Union, N.A.M.B.L.A., Former Secretary of State Colin Powell and President Barack Hussein Obama.

Retro endorses Beaulieu for J.P.

2010-10-11T10:58:00.006-05:00

The Beaumont Retro is endorsing Nancy Beaulieu for Justice of the Peace, Precinct 1, Place 2. Nancy and her husband were instrumental in helping to remove the previous Jefferson County Judge and delivering the economic prosperity that Ron Walker has brought to Jefferson County.

Along with the Retro, she has received endorsements from the Beaumont Analprize, the Beaumont Police Department, former Beaumont Policeman Michael Siebe, Beaumont Police Chief Frank Coffin, Jr., C.L.E.A.T., RINO Jefferson County Commissioner Eddie Arnold, Jefferson County Judge Ron Walker and Texas gubernatorial candidate Bill White.

RECOGNIZED!

2010-10-01T16:51:00.001-05:00

No Photoshop required.

Retro endorses Guillory for B.I.S.D. Treasurer

2010-09-24T18:29:00.004-05:00

Beaumont Retro is endorising former B.I.S.D. Transportation Director Clifton Guillory to be B.I.S.D. Treasurer, not to be confused with Georgine Guillory, who is running for Jefferson County Treasurer.

B.I.S.D. Superintendent Dr. Carrol Thomas said of Guillory, "Mr. Guillory has given B.I.S.D. 24 loyal years of service" and he has also received endorsements from Jefferson County Sheriff Mitch Woods, Sheriff Deputy Warhola, B.I.S.D. Police Chief Clydell "Do-nut" Duncan, Cooter Brown, B.I.S.D. Communications Director Jesse "Jive Turkey" Haynes, local NAACP president Paul Brown, Dr. David Teuscher, B.I.S.D. Purchasing Manager Naomi "Chapter 7" Lawrence-Lee and Jefferson County Judge-"Elect" Jeff Branick.

Adolph Walker & kommissioners to hold budget hearings in private

2010-09-14T20:41:00.004-05:00

Jefferson County Furor Adolph Walker sagte Bürger heute, dass er und die Kommissare haben die vollständige Kontrolle übernommen und duldet keine politischen Dissens bei der morgigen Budget Anhörungen. Er hat seine tyrannische Nachricht mit Hilfe der Schoßhund Medien, einschließlich KFDM und Beaumont Enterprise zu verbreiten.

Er hat schnell Repressalien versprochen, wenn jemand es wagt, seine Beschlagnahme der privaten Wirtschaft in der Grafschaft Objekt und seine Kumpane mit dem Sheriff's Department Versand zu belästigen niemanden genug dreiste aufstehen zu ihm. Er wird auch die Staatsanwaltschaft, ihn mit seinem Plan zu unterstützen.

Adolph Walker kümmert sich nicht darum, dass er lief die meisten der Industrie, dass die früheren Grafschaft Richter auf dem Gebiet locken geholfen. Er glaubt, dass alle von uns verpflichtet, ihn und eingehende Richter Jeff Branick sind. Er hat viel von Jefferson County in Slums unbewohnbar geworden und hat damit gedroht, Polizisten und ihre Stellvertreter mit ihrer Arbeit für den Widerstand gegen ihn. Don't mess with der furor oder er wird dein Leben dich ficken alle Scheiße.

Send lawyers, guns & money

2010-09-06T13:02:00.002-05:00

Beaumont Democrat ISD opens new stadium

2010-08-31T12:46:00.002-05:00

Superintendent Dr. Carrol A. "Butcher" Thomas and the Beaumont I.S.D. School Board performed magic last Friday night at the opening ceremonies of the new football stadium as hundreds of white families disappeared from Beaumont without a trace.

School bond co-sponsors Paul Brown and Dr. David "Tax And Spend" Tuescher assured the few remaining families who aren't living in Section 8 houses that all is well and the new stadium, along with Fraud Park, should enhance the quality of life in Beaumont and surrounding communities. No white people were available for comment.

COMING SOON.......BROKE BLACK COUNTY

2010-08-06T14:19:00.001-05:00

More jobs created by Jefferson County stimulus money

2010-08-02T11:25:00.002-05:00

Young, uneducated ladies from blue collar families are still in hot demand at a few of the local cabarets. Despite the Obama/Walker downturn in the economy, Port Acretian Caucasion cuties can earn a decent wage by working the pole. One of the sexually oriented businesses gained mainstream stupport with their charitable work in the community when they hosted the Lap Dances For Haiti relief effort.

Beaumont welcomes new industries

2010-06-10T14:27:00.004-05:00

After three years of economic stagnation, job loss and rising crime, the Walker Administration, along with the Beaumont Chamber of Commerce proudly announced today that two new businesses have moved to Beaumont.

One business, Atlanta-based Sickle Cell Wireless recently landed lucrative contracts with the Beaumont Independent School District and Jefferson County government. A service and repair shop, along with a customer call center and psychic hotline will be housed on one side of the chamber building. The minority-owned corporation found Beaumont and Jefferson County's demographics to be quite suitable for their expansion into the Golden Triangle marketplace.

An upstart light manufacturing business with local ownership and investors, Beaumont Dildo & Vibrator Manufacturing will be housed on the opposite side of the chamber. County Judge Ron Walker was to give the keynote address at the ribbon cutting but became disoriented and repeatedly yelled, "Zay Zay Tahhhppp!", so Judge-"elect" Jeff Branick and Commissioner Eddie Arnold took the opportunity to welcome the new businesses and suggested another 14% pay increase to the commissioners court and county department heads due to the expected windfall of economic activity.

Wetbacks to play professional baseball in Arizona

2010-05-28T12:35:00.004-05:00

In response to the N.B.A. Phoenix Suns protest, the Arizona Diamondbacks have altered their team name and logo to illustrate their position on the controversial immigration law recently approved the the state's governor.

The Suns wore "Los Suns" on their uniforms in Game 2 of the Western Conference semifinals to protest Governor Jan Brewer's signing of a law that enforces the current federal immigration law. The gesture was mostly ignored by working Caucasians and there simply weren't enough employed Hispanics and African-Americans to have any economic impact. A call for a boycott by Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton had unexpected consequences when working (white) people throughout the United States staged a "buy-cott" to support Arizona's businesses.

The Diamondbacks will play the remainder of the 2010 season as the Arizona Wetbacks and though they are currently at the bottom of the National League West Division, ticket sales have skyrocketed since the name change.

Hate crime charge dropped, spelling bee winner named

2010-05-22T09:42:00.009-05:00

Beaumont Independent School District Communication Director Jessie "Jive Turkey" Haynes and BISD Police Chief Clydell "Do-nut" Duncan announced yesterday that potential hate crime charges had been dropped when someone had apparently rearranged the "R-E-C-O-G-N-I-Z-E-D" letters on the Administration Building lawn to "N-I-G-E". Haynes said she assumed that it was the work of white racists who intended to spell the word "N-I-G-G-E-R".

Jive Turkey and Do-nut made the announcement after learning that Sallie Curtis Elementary held their annual spelling bee on the lawn to honor Dr. Carrol "Butch" Thomas' contributions to the community. The runner-up of the competition was Fo'Landra Koolaidria Beauregeaux, who misspelled the word "venereal" in the last round. The winner was Darveeta Velveeta Sharpton, who correctly spelled "Nigeria".

Corrections & Clarifications

2010-05-10T18:06:00.002-05:00

Two weeks ago, several media outlets reported that the suspect of a brutal murder in Orange was an African-American male wearing a blue baseball cap. Witnesses gave a description to Orange police and it was erroneously reported that he was wearing a Barack Obama ball cap.

The Beaumont Retro found that the lone media outlet who got it right was the Beaumont Enterprise. The Enterprise simply stated that the suspect was wearing a blue cap and didn't elaborate. Many people were wrongly associating African-Americans who commit murders and other crimes with President Obama. Kuddos and Bouquets to the Beaumont Enterprise.

RECOGNIZE

2010-05-05T13:58:00.006-05:00

BISD Spokesperson Jessie Haynes issued a press statement to the Beaumont Analprize that the district would be ramping up efforts to make the public aware of its recognized status. The letters "RECOGNIZE" that were initially placed on the lawn of the administration building left many confused as to what in fact they were supposed to recognize.

When the "D" was added at the end the statement, it didn't seem emphatic enough to grab motorists' attention. Haynes decided to use language that is more commonly used among BISD students, staff and residents of the community and she told the Analprize she has received many favorable comments on the new slogan.

South Park alum announces new vanity plates

2010-04-12T22:39:00.003-05:00

Following the lead of Carroll Independent School District, the South Park High School Alumni Association has announced that its offering its own vanity liscence plates. The new plates will go on sale at the beginning of May and will feature the facade of the old South Park High School building and Beaumont I.S.D. superintendent Dr. Carrol Thomas.

The plates are emblazoned with the battle cry, "Greenie fight never dies" and allows applicants up to seven characters to display their sentiments of the old school. The first two buyers of the plates were the chief salesmen of the half billion dollar bond to destroy the building, Paul Brown and Dr. David Tuescher. Brown bought plates with the letters "BLK BMT" and Tuescher ordered plates that reads "FUCK BOY".

Retrogress endorses Jeff Branick for County Judge

2010-02-22T12:44:00.004-06:00

Jeff Branick announced his candidacy for Jefferson County Judge and strongly encouraged people to vote for him in the March primary race. In fact, he promises to retaliate against anyone who dares to oppose him in his ascendancy to Supreme Power.

Branick has been the de facto County Judge for past three years as current Judge Ron Walker's senility has rapidly advanced. Among the accomplishments that Branick most relishes, his claim to skyrocketing the county budget from $89 million to over $120 million, along with giving county commissioners a 14% pay increase are his biggest achievements. He's also created more county jobs for dunderheads who struggle in the business world. This, while private sector jobs have declined in the Obama Recession. He single handedly claims credit for stopping several of the industrial expansions that former Judge Carl Griffith helped lure to the area.

Jefferson County voters have been promised that citizens will be united as they vote for Branick in the Democratic primary race. Much like Saddam Hussein, he faces no opposition either in the primary or in the general election in November. The Beaumont Retrogress endorses Jeff Branick for County Judge.....or he will fuck you up.

Bedtime for Branick

2010-02-09T09:09:00.007-06:00

Ronald Walker had his fair share of comedies during his stay at the Ninth Court of Appeals - but it wasn't until he went to Pearl Street in Beaumont for Bedtime For Branick that he took so much kidding for appearing in what is actually an amusing comedy co-starring him with a chimp, especially after he became county judge. However, the film does have a good share of laughs and Walker acquits himself in professional fashion.

What little plot there is hinges on Walker's determination to raise Branick in a government environment and prove that with nurturing and a sense of entitlement, he can teach the chimp to skirt the rules, raise taxes and have the appearance of a developed moral sense of behavior. He and pretty Rhonda Dugas play the mama and papa roles with Rhonda gradually falling in love - and Walker not realizing he's engaged to the wrong gal.

It's all very predictable but fun while it lasts, mainly because Branick gets to wreck havoc and run off industry and business in Jefferson County in a number of amusing scenes.

It's strictly for laughs and emerges as a harmless trifle in Walker's career. The best segment is the last part of the film which has Branick robbing a jewelry store and then, because of his reformation by Walker and Dugas, able to obey their command to return the necklace to the store which has everyone mystified as to how he accomplished it. It makes for a good finale - and so does the romantic happy ending.

'Twas The Night Before Christmas Jefferson County Style 2009!

2009-12-24T09:08:00.002-06:00

'Twas the night before Christmas in Jefferson County
A P.I. had a lead, a file and a bounty
The J.C.A.D. knew homeowners would care
That Nicholas Lampson would never go there

The county commissioners were snug in their beds
While visions of benefits danced in their heads
And Walker, the Judge, the senile old chap
Had just settled in for a long winter's nap

When up in Lumberton there arose such a clatter
The F.B.I. even looked at the matter
The police found a hooptie wrecked in a ditch
And located a suspect with a PCP twitch

The blunts, the 40's and angel dust snow
The tazer and nightstick on nappy head 'fro
Then what do the coroner's eyes should appear
But Quanell X to lie and spread fear

And Sandra LaDay with her teeth full of gold
The New Black Panthers and the threats that they told
L'town held firm, stood solid and bigger
And didn't back down to that ignorant *****

Meanwhile in Beaumont, the B.I.S.D.
Lied to the Greenies in Teuscher's decree
They pilfered and stole from this joke of a bond
Made insider deals with the wave of a wand

The contractors lied and dropped some big names
Like Carrol Thomas and like Jessie Haynes
The bootlicking media gave them all passes
Until the Examiner busted their asses

Meanwhile at the courthouse the graft and corrupution
The budget increases and business destruction
As I drew in my hand and was turning around
Down the 4th floor Branick came with a bound

With settlement money from his hand to his foot
A shyster Santa all covered in soot
A bunch of entitlements he had in his sack
Sure to break local industry's back

On Total, Motiva, Valero, on Eastman
Abatements, incentives, your profits, we'll keep 'em!
They're drunk with power like a Pearl Street Wino
The Democrats all of them, even Arnold, the Rino

They steal from your children, they steal from your momma
While Stevens and Woods get gifts from Obama
Their lifestyles supported on taxpayers' dime
It's Jefferson County, high taxes, high crime
And did I mention the high unemployment?
Third in Texas, an elf said with enjoyment

Business got nervous and quickly departed
And shut down the projects while Walker just farted
And the Enterprise numbers continue to drop
While Six's newscasts continue to flop

Another sad year of dismal decline
Leads Jefferson County's prolonged malign
The lawyers are masters and we are the peasants
And the welfare class gets all the presents

And now we look at Two Thousand Ten
Tax statements arrive, bend over again
Except for the masters and media, they're manic
All singing praises, "Vote for Jeff Branick!"

Santa, Blitzen dead, two hospitalized

2009-12-23T10:40:00.005-06:00

Santa Claus and Blitzen were murdered early this morning in the parking lot across from the former postal encoding center on Orleans Street. Comet was critically wounded and remains in ICU while Prancer was treated and released.

Santa and his elves were in negotiations with Jefferson County to occupy the vacant building in order to make toys for the high number of children with unemployed parents in Southeast Texas.

According to officer Crystal Holmes with the Beaumont Police Department, they are looking for a black male, about five foot ten inches tall, approximately 30 years of age who was wearing a blue "Bobbie Patterson for J.P." shirt and blue bandana. People may call (409) 833-TIPS or text "BMT plus your message" to CRIMES (274637) and may be eligible for up to a $1,000 cash reward for information leading to an arrest in this crime.