Three ring circus opens today at Jefferson County Courthouse

BLACKMONT - County Judge Jeff Branick cut the opening ceremonies ribbon and gave county employees the rest of the month off to attend the circus and attractions at the Jefferson County Courthouse today.

A chair was provided for special guest Bobbie Jo Patterson and honorary African-American grand marshal Bartholomew Granger read a statement before opening fire in front of the midway. County commissioners, auditor Patrick Swain and C.L.E.A.T. said they planned on adding 50 to 60 additional security officers that will remain on the job after the circus is over noting that it would provide a nice boost to the local employment numbers.

No other black leaders, including Jessie "Peaches" Haynes, Audwin Samuel, Rev. Ronald Bishop or Paul Brown were available to comment on today's ceremonies. But many attendees enjoyed some of the booths and exhibits such as KFDM's news van where complimentary douche bags were given to people and Beaumont attorney Brent Coon's displayed an art mosaic made entirely out of his own bankruptcy, lien and lawsuit papers against him.

Wedding party goes bongo at Apeomattox Club

BLACKMONT - Almost two dozen Blackmont Police and animal control officers responded to a bongo party in progress at the Apeomattox Club on Harriot Street. They received the call after a pavement ape was shot in its left paw after the disturbance started.

A she-boon claimed the DJ played the Wobble and a guest threw a basketball in the middle of the dance floor turning the wedding celebration into a classic chimpout. Police detained a number of witnesses but they all either had outstanding warrants or were in possession of marijuana.

The ape who was shot declined to press charges against the boon who shot it, but it was determined that the suspook had outstanding warrants and was not current on its rabies vaccination.

Neither Jessie "Peaches" Haynes, Paul Brown, Reverend Ronald Bishop, Audwin Samuel, coonvict David Moore or any other blacks that typically chimpout had any comments about the incident.

Retro endorces Jay Old

The Beaumont Retrogress is making its Texas Primary endorsements, whenever blacks and Hispanics quit crying and bitching and we can have it. The candidate that we've endorsed is in the Republican Primary for Congressional District 14.

We believe that Beaumont attorney Jay Old is a more qualified candidate than his opponent, fellow attorney Michael Truncale. Old's firm, Wormey & Putz, has an outstanding history of contriving false evidence, lying in court, terrorizing innocent people and fucking peoples' eyeballs out if they dare oppose them or their clients. In that respect, Old would be the perfect motherfucker to represent Jefferson County on Capitol Hill.

Old has broad appeal, one could even say whore appeal with a diverse/perverse constituency including rug munchers, bisexuals, and transgender girly boys. Not only are his legal opinions widely read, his Hustler Magazine forum entry entitled "Chicks with dicks, dolls with balls" earned him first place in 2009's contest. He is also noted for writing some of the most widely recognized technical papers on pussy stink.

Jay Old has also received endorsements from the Beaumont Analprize, former Jefferson County prosecutors, RINO's, West End Wandas and the Catholic Diocese of Cheek, TX.

Caldwood Elementary janitor arrested for drug possession

The Jefferson County Sheriff's office issued over 100 warrants and made dozens of arrests last week in a narcotic sting. Caught in the bust was lovable crack addict Tyrone Biggums. Biggums, who had about two ounces of marijuana and a peanut butter and crack sandwich was arrested without incident at the school and booked into the Jefferson County Jail.

B.I.S.D. spokeschimp Jessie "Peaches"Haynes declined to fling poo or comment, but her human assistant, Taylor Eichorn said, "The school district is looking into the matter of the peanut butter and crack sandwich and we believe none of the children were offered these drugs by Mr. Biggums".

Beaumont Chamber, City Council welcomes Costa Concordia

Beaumont City Councilman Bubba Pate announced that southeast Texas will now be a port of call for Carnival Corporation's Costa Concordia. This new cruise ship stop will coincide with Beaumont's mudhole project and yet to be completed events center and the proposed ditch downtown. The city is currently negotiating with several different mosquito farms to stock the new attractions with as many exotic insects that the venues can sustain.

The Beaumont Chamber of Commerce held a parade to officially welcome Carnival. A few mishaps occurred during opening ceremonies when a toddler was killed and the cruise ship ran aground and capsized near the I-10 and Neches River bridge.

'Twas the night before Christmas 2011.....Calvin Walker Style!

'Twas the night before Christmas in Two Thousand Ten

The Feds made a case, the indictment was in

The charges were outlined & detailed with care

Thirty seven in all, prosecutors found there

The Walkers were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of annuities danced in their heads

A place in Port Arthur to hang out with friends

Fine dining and bling & a Mercedes Benz

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

Agent Brewer was there & looked into the matter

He peered through the window, then kicked in the door

And Calvin was cuffed, his head on the floor

The moon on the crest of the creosote pole

The city inspector would not be cajoled

"This work is sub-standard & not up to code"

The city employee so dutifully crowed

The school board met to discuss Calvin's fate

And Walker's Electric fueled the debate

"Let's keep him", said Woodrow, "Calvin's legit"

"He ain't been found guilty, they'll surely acquit"

The lackeys all cheered & began to applaud

Except for Tom Neild, who questioned the fraud

Then Butch stared him down, "Silence! You cracker"

"This district is black, & getting still blacker"

Now Ambres, Now Bush, Now Williams, Now Reece,

And snow white soul sistuh, Brassard The Obese

Explain to peckerwood how business is done

Cut Calvin the checks, let's get back to the fun!

Butch summoned a shyster, his name was Saint Dick

Dripping with snake oil, he knew every trick

The Pastor Reverend Doctor Deguerin!

His flock livened up and stopped their despairin'

A Bundle of cash he'd charge his new client

The defense lawyered up and got quite defiant

"Relax now kids, don't worry yourselves"

"We'll stack the jury with trailerhood elves"

"We'll find us a couple of dazed honky misters

And nine tons of dumb fun, horny white sisters

And just so they know that our side ain't jokin'

She's deep undercover, our wild card token

Rawl's prosecution appeared to be blurry

Like a foggy wintertime Christmas snow flurry

The Reverend Doctor offered objection

Mostly based on Calvin's complexion

Deguerin & Rawls went back to their bases

And both sides finished and rested their cases

Clark gave the instructions on deliberation

told jurors not to fret the potential duration

They went to their room to begin their discussin'

Outside overheard was screamin' and fussin'

The jury could never completely agree

Throw him in prison or just set him free

They passed a few messages on to Ron Clark

The judge, irritated, ignored the remark

"You keep on debating!", the note from the judge

But an obstinate few refused to be budged

So out came the jury, their paper in hand

"Have you reached a decision?" the judge did command

St. Dick looked at Walker and said with a smile

"Merry Christmas Dear Calvin, Fuckin' Mistrial!"