'Twas The Night Before Christmas Jefferson County Style 2009!

'Twas the night before Christmas in Jefferson County
A P.I. had a lead, a file and a bounty
The J.C.A.D. knew homeowners would care
That Nicholas Lampson would never go there

The county commissioners were snug in their beds
While visions of benefits danced in their heads
And Walker, the Judge, the senile old chap
Had just settled in for a long winter's nap

When up in Lumberton there arose such a clatter
The F.B.I. even looked at the matter
The police found a hooptie wrecked in a ditch
And located a suspect with a PCP twitch

The blunts, the 40's and angel dust snow
The tazer and nightstick on nappy head 'fro
Then what do the coroner's eyes should appear
But Quanell X to lie and spread fear

And Sandra LaDay with her teeth full of gold
The New Black Panthers and the threats that they told
L'town held firm, stood solid and bigger
And didn't back down to that ignorant *****

Meanwhile in Beaumont, the B.I.S.D.
Lied to the Greenies in Teuscher's decree
They pilfered and stole from this joke of a bond
Made insider deals with the wave of a wand

The contractors lied and dropped some big names
Like Carrol Thomas and like Jessie Haynes
The bootlicking media gave them all passes
Until the Examiner busted their asses

Meanwhile at the courthouse the graft and corrupution
The budget increases and business destruction
As I drew in my hand and was turning around
Down the 4th floor Branick came with a bound

With settlement money from his hand to his foot
A shyster Santa all covered in soot
A bunch of entitlements he had in his sack
Sure to break local industry's back

On Total, Motiva, Valero, on Eastman
Abatements, incentives, your profits, we'll keep 'em!
They're drunk with power like a Pearl Street Wino
The Democrats all of them, even Arnold, the Rino

They steal from your children, they steal from your momma
While Stevens and Woods get gifts from Obama
Their lifestyles supported on taxpayers' dime
It's Jefferson County, high taxes, high crime
And did I mention the high unemployment?
Third in Texas, an elf said with enjoyment

Business got nervous and quickly departed
And shut down the projects while Walker just farted
And the Enterprise numbers continue to drop
While Six's newscasts continue to flop

Another sad year of dismal decline
Leads Jefferson County's prolonged malign
The lawyers are masters and we are the peasants
And the welfare class gets all the presents

And now we look at Two Thousand Ten
Tax statements arrive, bend over again
Except for the masters and media, they're manic
All singing praises, "Vote for Jeff Branick!"

Santa, Blitzen dead, two hospitalized

Santa Claus and Blitzen were murdered early this morning in the parking lot across from the former postal encoding center on Orleans Street. Comet was critically wounded and remains in ICU while Prancer was treated and released.

Santa and his elves were in negotiations with Jefferson County to occupy the vacant building in order to make toys for the high number of children with unemployed parents in Southeast Texas.

According to officer Crystal Holmes with the Beaumont Police Department, they are looking for a black male, about five foot ten inches tall, approximately 30 years of age who was wearing a blue "Bobbie Patterson for J.P." shirt and blue bandana. People may call (409) 833-TIPS or text "BMT plus your message" to CRIMES (274637) and may be eligible for up to a $1,000 cash reward for information leading to an arrest in this crime.

'Twas The Night Before Chirstmas....Jefferson County Style! (2008)

From The Editor: Thank you for the emails. As asked we've put together a 'Twas The Night JeffCo Style for 2009. We'll publish it Christmas Eve. In the mean time, here's 2008's offering.

Beaumont Retrogress

‘Twas the night before Christmas and in the courthouse
The citizens in lockdown, the Judge, what a louse
Security was tight by the X-ray machine
And Weaver’s goons were hostile and mean

The jurors were waiting in mile long lines
‘Cause not showin’ up means outrageous fines
And momma in curlers and me with my mullet
With a big plug ‘o Skoal lodged in my gullet

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
It looked like a deputy but dumber and fatter
“I speak for the Judge, y’all know wassup”
“Now get back in line and shut the fuck up”

The deputy’s ex-wife laughed so he slapped her
Pulled out his piece, said, “Die bitch” and capped her
After SWAT team standoffs I made it inside
Just to renew the plates on my ride

I went to the room for auto renewal
And hung on the door was this little jewel
“Closed till 2:00, we’re on our break”
Ma just belched and said, “For Pete’s sake”

After all the delay, the crap and disruption
I looked around and smelled the corruption
It’s Jefferson County, the elite Gang of Seven
Home of high taxes, it’s Democrat heaven!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
Elevations were fudged and the engineer lied
So up to the house tops the water it drew
Labelle would get hammered, the commissioners knew

We visited purchasing to see Lawrence-Lee
She’d been let go for thievin’, then what did we see?
They gave her the checkbook and lock at the school
Thanks to the Super, Thomas, the fool

The Emergency Coordinator was next on our list
We wanted to see just what we had missed
I tugged at my britches and scratched at my crotch
And went to say hi to Ms. Darlene Koch

“The broad’s not here, she’s doin’ hard time”
Fountain did tell us, in a nasally whine
Dumfounded, surprised on our courthouse journey
We went to say hi to the District Attorney

I wanted to see my old buddy Chip
But Skipper said he went down with the ship
My face turned white, I sat open-jawed
Feds nailed Mr. Radford, for what? Mail fraud!

I looked at Ma and said, “Well, fuck me”
And slipped in the hopper, to fart and to pee
I wondered if citizens would ever get pissed
For shit that the bootlicking media missed
Reporting with bias, through rose-colored glasses
Pooft-sniffing, butt-kissing, third grade suckasses

We drove back on home, defeated, deflated
Appraisals were up, our tax unabated
I looked at Ma and said, “Beggin’ your pardon”,
“Fuck Jefferson County, we’re movin’ to Hardin”

Airport to be named after Jack Brooks

Jefferson County commissioners unanimously voted to approve the naming of the Southeast Texas Regional Airport to the Jack Brooks Burning To Death Was Too Good For Them Airport this past Monday.

Brooks, who was dishonorably discharged from the U.S. Marine Corps for atrocities in World War II ran for U.S. Congress in 1952 and occupied the U.S. House seat until 1995. Brooks was most noted for attempting to ban all guns from private ownership and he also advocated Bill Clinton and Janet Reno's murder of 76 civilians in Waco, TX on April 19, 1993. Of the 20 children and two pregnant women who were killed, Brooks commented, (they were) "horrible people. Despicable people. Burning to death was too good for them. They'd like a slower method".

The new Jack Brooks Burning To Death Was Too Good For Them Airport will be an appropriate welcome for outsiders to Jefferson County's Democrat Party champion of Southeast Texas and should help spur economic growth and increase passengers at the airport.

Obituaries: The Beaumont Enterprise

The Beaumont Enterprise went to be with the Lord and Savior Joseph Pulitzer on Saturday, November 28, 2009 after a long and courageous battle with shitty journalism and complications from suckass reporting. The Enterprise was born in Beaumont on February 5, 1880 to Anthony F. Lucas and an unknown Spindletop whore.

The Enterprise attended and graduated from South Park High School before the arrival of Dr. Carrol Thomas. Though the Beaumont Enterprise claimed to have supported our troops throughout various conflicts, it completely avoided military service and regularly undermined U.S. missions with its subversive writing.

The Enterprise attended college and was radicalized at Berkeley in the late 1960's and then joined the Symbionese Liberation Army. The Enterprise assisted the Democrat Party to maintain total control of Jefferson County since Reconstruction and married the Jefferson County Democrat Party in 1975.

The Beaumont Enterprise is preceded in death by the Beaumont I.S.D., the city of Port Arthur and most local unions. It is survived by Hardin and Chambers Counties, the Beaumont Examiner and the Southeast Texas Political Review.

Dissin' Da Disenfranchised

RnB/rap crossover artist Jessie Haynes will debut her new album Executive Cabinet on this weekend's edition of Soul Train. Haynes, who works for Beaumont I.S.D. Superintendent Dr. Carrol Thomas was featured in the Wrigley's Blue Gum™ Tent at last weekend's Beaumont Boyz Bash II held at Crock-A-Shit Entertainmick District.

Haynes first single Quanell SeXXX has started receiving airplay and cracked the Hot 100 chart at 97 this week. Track listings on her CD include:

1. Catastrophic Illness (I Got Me Some Sick Days Up In Herre)
2. IBEW: No Women, No Blacks
3. Me And Contracts....Is You Crazy?
4. Naomi Lee, Purchasing & Me
5. Jefferson County's "Boy"
6. Recognized Motherfucker!
7. Calvin Walker U Smoove Talker
8. South Park & Whitey (Burn The Mother Sucker Down)
9. Jerry Jordon & Kunta Kinte
10. Quanell SeXXX
11. Jeff Branick For County Judge!

Beaumont Boyz Bash II

The recent Beaumont Boys Bash proved so successful that Jefferson County Democrats will hold their own benefit for County Judge candidate Jeff Branick this weekend. The event, which will be held at the Crock-A-Shit Entertainmick District even netted two major sponsorships, Colt 45 and Wrigley's Blue Gum™.

A strict weapons ban and J.C. courthouse-type security should prevent any homicides or assaults, but authorities are prepared for a high number of vehicle burglaries and looting in downtown Beaumont.

The event will also be held in response to the recent party switch of the Hardin County Judge and Sheriff to the Republican Party, as well as five other county officials. A special protest over the grand jury no-bill over the Kevin LaDay death will also be held and free orange drink will be served.