Beaumont Boyz Bash II

The recent Beaumont Boys Bash proved so successful that Jefferson County Democrats will hold their own benefit for County Judge candidate Jeff Branick this weekend. The event, which will be held at the Crock-A-Shit Entertainmick District even netted two major sponsorships, Colt 45 and Wrigley's Blue Gum™.

A strict weapons ban and J.C. courthouse-type security should prevent any homicides or assaults, but authorities are prepared for a high number of vehicle burglaries and looting in downtown Beaumont.

The event will also be held in response to the recent party switch of the Hardin County Judge and Sheriff to the Republican Party, as well as five other county officials. A special protest over the grand jury no-bill over the Kevin LaDay death will also be held and free orange drink will be served.

Annual Jefferson County Halloween Ball held in secret

Jefferson County officials and employees held their annual Halloween ball at an undisclosed location this past weekend. Taxpayers and the general public were excluded from this year's activities and invitations were exclusive to Jeff Branick for County Judge supporters.

This year's winning Best Overall Costume went to the Wizard of Oz themed County Auditor, Judge, Tax Assessor/Collector and Sheriff. Auditor Patrick Swain showed his lionly courage by cooking the county books and helping heartless Judge Ron Walker engineer the annual budget from under $90 million to over $120. Tax Assessor/Collector Miriam Johnson chanted, "There's no place like home appraisals" while the Sheriff used his superior brain and intellect to purchase patrol boats and helicopters to conduct surveillance on potential political opponents.

Popular costumes among county employees who attended included mail fraud and money launderers, crooked purchasing agents and thieving emergency management personnel. Many simply drooled and scratched their fat asses throughout the evening.

Mitch Woods returns as United States Marshall Sam Gerard, the role that earned him a huge slice of gubbment cheese, in this sequel to the 1993 blockbuster The Fugitive. Gerard has been assigned to escort a Jefferson County employee to a maximum security prison in Missouri. On the same flight is Chip Radford (District Judge John Stevens, Jr.) who has been arrested and charged with mail fraud and money laundering, though he insists he's innocent. The Jefferson County S.O.'s helicopter they are on is involved in some mismanagement leading to a crash, and after helping to rescue some of the passengers, Radford escapes.

C.L.E.A.T. informs Gerard that finding Recall Carl and putting him back behind bars is a top priority, and Gerard sets out on his trail, with the very much uncalled-for assistance of failed President Barack Obama. However, Gerard soon begins to wonder just how Radford became such an important man in the eyes of the Jefferson County Commissioners, while Radford is determined to find out who turned him in to the authorities. U.S. Marshals also features Ron Walker, Jeff Branick and Eddie Arnold.

BISD Athletic Complex named after Tupac Shakur

Rumors that the new Beaumont I.S.D. Athletic Complex would be named after Kevin LaDay were finally dismissed after Superintendent Dr. Carrol Thomas announced that it would named after late rapper Tupac Shakur.

LaDay's name will, however, live on at the City of Port Arthur's new wastewater facility. Fellow Port Arthurian Pimp C was posthumously honored as the P.A.I.S.D. board voted to name their new complex after him. It will replace the Notorius B.I.G. athletic fields at the school's old campus.

Empty Prize readership down, VIP Magazine flounders

VIP Of Southeast Texas, it's supposed to be hotter and trendier than the Beaumont Examiner's Out And About, but The Beaumont Printedlie's attempt at vogue has fallen flat with readers in the Golden Triangle. There simply isn't enough rich snobs left in Beaumont and even the bums have shown a preference over other free publications while doing drugs and urinating in public.

Readers will find some practical information in this month's issue; particularly on how to avoid getting killed while in Port Arthur. Other features include a cover story on the reigning Fraud Park fart lighting champion, Thad "The Torch" Thibodeaux and how wannbe middle income snobs can get invited to suckass media events.

And as always, it features Southeast Texas' best. This month's issue tells us where to find some good hyrdo, eating sans roaches, how to get out of Jefferson County, Chinese whorehouses and Jim Walker's Facebook fray. It's all shit, but it's free.

Oddsmakers weigh in on LaDay's cause of death

Bookies and bettors are keeping busy anxiously awaiting for the autopsy report while laying money down on Kevin LaDay's Wheel Of Toxicology. There was standing room only in front of the Lumberton Police Department when the betting line opened up two weeks ago.

The official Las Vegas odds for reason(s) of death:

Formaldehyde dipped blunt 1.5/1: The safe money says he has THC in his system. He's had four Class A and B misdemeanors for marijuana possession at the county level and numerous other violations. He finally spent a year in Club Fed for his enterprises before his run-in with the L-town posse.

Malt liquor 2/1: Malt liquor goes with the hippity hopsters like blowjobs go to Bill Clinton. So, my bruthats, grab a Colt 45, Olde English 800 or your favorite 40 of high gravity and do some pouring for the departed.

Crack cocaine 3/1: Did the Pride of Port Arthur down some apple jack before flashing his high beams in popo's maglite? Did he take a ride on the tragic magic and go out his fool mind when he refused the FST?

Congenital ignorance 3.5/1: It's obvious this little mango didn't fall too far from Mrs. Gold Teefs' tree. Darwin maintains that the smarter and more adaptable will survive and procreate. But what happens when a species has no natural predators (other than each other)? You end up with an Idiocracy like that of Port Arthur, TX. It's all well and good if the protected stay within their own habitats, but venture into civilized society and it can cause termination by stupidity.

Red Bull & yellow jackets 5/1: Pentobarbital and energy drink are on the must have list when a convict is tooling around Lumberton in a Geo Metro while his offerings from 50 Cent grace the neighborhoods of working folk at 3:00 A.M. Just keep it out of the ditch, boys.

Minute Maid Fruit Punch & Robitussin 7/1: Another hip-hop favorite mixture. The hottest selling Coca-Cola product in the 'hood mixed with cold and cough medicine for a dextromethorphan-induced robotrip. This is how Pimp C caught a cab.

Port Arthur pimpin' 8/1: You know the old saying, "ya can take the pimp outta Port Arthur, but ya can't take the Port Arthur out the pimp"! Technically, LaDay didn't die in Port Arthur, but he was certainly represented by the multitudes on that fair day of protest in Lumberton. This is the mindset of Port Arthur; this is the way the residents of that city are. Lumberton showed stern resolve in standing up to the hate group that Mrs. Gold Teefs bought to the city. There is undoubtedly a cultural war brewing between groups as vastly different as that of these two cities. Quannel X and Mrs. Gold Teefs want to bully the meek with threats of a race war. The citizens of Lumberton showed ever-so-quitely and politely that they aren't looking for one, but after the X-ster threatened to tear their city to ground, the unspoken word is, "Try it boy and you'll wish to merciful God that the Lumberton police do show up".

The five way 12/1: When a true blue (no offense to you Bloods that blog) gangsta wants to shoot the moon, he does the five way. If you're asking yourself, "what the fuck is the five way"? It's a combination of heroin, meth, cocaine, Rohypnol , and alcohol. In Port Arthur this is the difference between coach and first class.

Reggae 50/1: Death by Marley? LaDay kinda looked a lil' Rastifari with his dreadlocks and revolutionary Caribbean headgear. Is he another tormented artisan in the wake of Bob Marley, Peter Tosh and Dennis Brown who died before their time? A longshot, but it could be the dark horse.

Pink skin popo's nightstick 200/1: The biggest winner on this wager would be Sandra "Mrs. Gold Teefs" LaDay. She didn't waste any time with the local NAACP. To their credit, they haven't tarnished their own image by publicly jumping in bed with Mrs. Gold Teefs. Along with bringing the X-ster in, she also retained flebag lawyer Milton Grimes. Grimes represented Rodney King, the piece of shit who should have been beaten to death with a tire iron by his own mother. Oddsmakers don't give either scenario much of a chance of that happening and deem this a sucker's bet.

Hardin County Deals On Wheels sued

Yep! Hardin County District Attorney "4 On The Floor" David Sheffield, along with Silsbee High School officials and athletes are all being sued by the loving daddy of a Silsbee High School cheerleader trophy child.

You may recall the incident that occurred last October in Silsbee. No, not the one where an unofficial, non-school sanctioned spirit group called The Scrubbs had the nerve to bare their pre-manly chests at football games. Since when does a crime occur when young boys expose their chests? Well, other than a sleep over at Michael Jackson's house.

I'm talking about the unsupervised party where a bunch of shit went one. Since no adults were there to be deposed, I wonder where all the adults of the parents in attendance were. And what excuses did they buy from the little trophy children on where they were going to be at 2:00 A.M. on a weekend? Who really cares? It's Silsbee.

But anyway, the suit claims that the girl's 1st, 5th and 14th Amendment Rights were violated. What else? Was she forced to drink out of the same cup of beer as the athletes named in the suit at other unsupervised, after-hours parties? And what else does cheer baby daddy do? He decides to start a chapter of Stand Up Guys (not the Comedy Improv troupe) in Silsbee. Lofty goals with their mission statement and goals listed. But bear in mind, this is a cheerleader and jock-driven thing. Trying to instill values in this segment of today's youth is akin to trying to sell a truckload of sand to an Arab.

I have a better idea, have the athletes and cheerleader join the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts. The olive green uniforms are drab in comparison to the cheer and football uniforms worn at the carefully orchestrated sex and violence football game orgies. They'll learn about their duty to their community and each other and there won't be any opportunity for sexual assaults at parties. And give the entire cheer squad and football team a copy of the U.S. Constitution. Ya think any of them even know what the 5th and 14th Amendments are even about? Oh, and cheer baby daddy, you need to start a chapter of Sit Down And Shut The Fuck Up. Case dismissed.